Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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