So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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