Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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