I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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