living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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