It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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