You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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