I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
