"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
