I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
