operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
