things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
