I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
