One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can't turn off my feet"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
