so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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