swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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