Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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