she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
