Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
