you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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