somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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