just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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