im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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