Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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