So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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