here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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