God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
