Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My boob is missing a layer of skin
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
