So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
