so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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