Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
