and you said cock pushups were impossible
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
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sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
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We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
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