If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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