Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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