Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
