We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you had me at cake vodka
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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