I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.