Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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