i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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