and she was petting her beer can
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
