I just saw a hot homeless man
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
