He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
