My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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