So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
this is an emotional support booty call
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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