Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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