I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
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he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
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