I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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