Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
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I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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