I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
