Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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