the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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