so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
