did you get engaged???
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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