I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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