One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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