I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
