There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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