Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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