do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
